A friend of mine, despite my warnings, got married for the third time. He was 36, and his new wife was 24. She had a 3-year-old daughter, while he had an 11-year-old son and an 8-year-old daughter. Within a few short months, she began pointing out all the problems she saw in him:
• “You always do this.”
• “You never do that.”
• “You should do this more.”
• “You shouldn’t do that.”
• “Why do you always…?”
• “You should tell me when you do that.”
• “Why do we always have to…?”
It got to the point where he came to me for advice. My advice was simple: I told him that every time she found a new problem in him, he should calmly tell her to go find another man who was perfect. He hesitated, worried she might leave him. I assured him that if she left, his problems with her would be over.
He decided to follow my advice, and not long after, she called me, saying, “Your friend wants to divorce me.”
I acted as though I didn’t know why and asked her a few pointed questions to understand her perspective. After a bit of back and forth, I said, “So you’re telling me that every time you point out something he does wrong, he tells you to go find a perfect man?”
I continued, “Let me remind you: this man has a house, two cars, two kids he drives to school daily, and he includes your daughter in his daily activities. Yet, you find ten problems in what he does every single day?”
She paused, then started to say, “But I do this because…”
I interrupted her and asked, “Are you always doing the right thing? Do you ask for permission to do everything you do on a daily basis? And would you want someone constantly nitpicking every move you make?”
Almost as if a lightbulb went off in her head, she asked, “Do I really do that?”
I replied, “I don’t know. I’m not there 24/7.”
I think she got the message.